Locate change bag – it is usually under the pushchair or table or behind a door. Or still in the car.
It was in a cupboard. How did it get there?
Realise change bag has so much rubbish in it it is more like a binbag.
Empty change bag.
Realise all the clothes in the changebag are too small for the kids.
Locate appropriately sized clothes & place them neatly in.
Realise there are no nappies or nappy sacks in the bag.
Find nappies & nappy bags.
Time is precious so stuff them in.
Find kiddy snacks.
Swear as you realise the only ones left are really messy ones.
Swear as you realise you are out of chocolate for yourself.
Find water bottles.
Fill them with water.
Get distracted & spill on the floor.
Find towel to mop up mess.
Tug of war with towel & dog.
Cram water bottle in bag.
Shove a few toys in.
Locate purse. This could be anywhere.
It is on the sofa with all the cards & money pulled out.
Shove cards & money in purse.
Sit on bag in order to make space for purse.
Shit. Forgot the wipes.
Rearrange everything to make room for wipes.

Now where are the children? Find eldest tormenting youngest.
Change eldest’s nappy.
Change youngest’s nappy.
Locate eldest’s coat. It is usually found under another coat or where the dog placed it last. It is behind the sofa.
Put coat on eldest.
Try to locate eldest’s shoes. Often found near change mat. One is upstairs where the dog took it. The other isn’t anywhere – upstairs, downstairs, under things, on top of things, in things or in the garden.
Decide they will have to wear wellies. No one will notice?
Chase eldest child.
Notice they have taken their coat off.
Pin them to the floor & put wellies on them.
On the wrong feet.
Repeat welly putting on step.
Youngest is looking suspiciously content.
Put coat on eldest. Again.
Find youngest. They smell.
Crap. Literally. All over their clothes.
Change nappy. Strip them. Use 1000 wipes in the process.
Try to find clean clothes.
They are all in the bloody change bag.
Empty change bag. Again.
Locate youngest.
Dress them.
Stuff everything back in change bag.
Locate youngest’s coat.
It is on the dog. Thanks eldest.
Put coat on youngest.
Find youngest’s shoes. In 2 different places – under the sideboard & behind the dog bowl.
Put shoes on the youngest.
Put coat and wellies on the eldest. Yet again.
Now where are the car keys?
Nowhere to be found. Maybe in changebag?
Empty change bag. A g a i n.
Yes there they are – in the secret pocket.
Cram everything in change bag. Yet again.
Put coat on eldest. A g a i n.
Now where are my shoes & coat.
Crap. Coat is in the washer after being sicked on.
Find alternative coat. Squeeze in. It is a pre-pregnancy one.
See dog running outside with shoe.
Shout at dog.
Eldest shouts at dog.
Youngest starts crying.
Find alternative shoes. They have a heel. Hurt ankle on said shoes.
Swear. Again.
Gather offspring & get them in the car.
At last.
Get stuck behind a tractor. Someone is more pleased about this than me.
Arrive looking disheveled at location.
“You have a sticker on your back’. Thanks for that.
‘I’ve done a poo’
Shitting crapping buggery. The change bag is at home.

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